Testimony

This past Thursday evening I got to share my testimony to kick off the 10 week Beth Moore Breaking Free bible study we are beginning. I think there were about 20 wonderful women who showed up for our first night. As I looked around the room I saw a few faces I have known for the full ten years I've been at Athey. I saw some whom I had never met. I had two neighbors come. Our wonderful women's ministry leader. My very closest friend. Friends I have known for a few years and a couple I have gotten close to recently. The Lord chose each of the women who came. I do believe that. And I am pretty certain the fact that now every single one of those women know some of the most intimate and painful details of my life explains why I haven't slept much for the past two nights. This is one of my blog posts where I'm going to just be me. How am I feeling right now? At 4:30 in the morning after my second sleepless night? Hurt. It's really amazing how the enemy can work you over when you open yourself up like I did Thursday. Even after Judy's wonderful prayer that this would not happen. It's happening. I can tell you the day I shared my testimony, things were rough at home. My children were less than respectful numerous times. And I exhibited less than ideal parenting several times. I had envisioned some time alone with the Lord to prepare my heart and notes and my life these days rarely allows that unless it's in the middle of the night. So when my wonderful husband prayed with me and then took the boys out for the evening, I immediately did what I knew needed to be done. I grabbed a goldfish cracker and a communion cup of apple cider :) I had to make due with what was around the house at the time. So I poured my heart out and confessed how completely and totally sinful my heart is. How I fail at pretty much everything I do. How ridiculous it feels to have people call me amazing, incredible and inspiring lately. If they only knew they would see I am so very ill-equipped to help lead a bible study of any kind. How the more I study the Word and spend time with the Lord I realize just how very far away I am from who I hope to be. Often times one step forward, two steps back. And then I tearfully thanked the Lord for He knows all of me and adores me anyway. It's because I'm such a completely ill-equipped, literally uneducated girl who is all too painfully aware of all of her shortcomings that makes HIM so great. What HE does in my life has nothing at all to do with me. It has everything to do with Him. So I gratefully cried lots of tears and just asked Him to speak for me.
Sharing everything I did was a bit surreal. I can't even tell you everything I said in the course of an hour. I said a lot. I remember bits and pieces and that's about it. I looked around and saw lots of tears but I didn't shed any myself. When I was done I had a few wonderful conversations. I did not get to talk to many of the women who came. I didn't get to hug any of the ones that obviously were greatly effected somehow. When everyone left, we tucked the kiddos in bed and then I layed on the couch and fell asleep. The entire night in my clothes. I was too tired to even go to bed. It's amazing how draining it is to pour yourself out like that. Draining in a good way but still exhausting.

I have prayed whether or not to post my testimony in written form on my blog for the "public" to read. For now I am not comfortable in doing so. There are a few people who have asked me for a written copy and I am praying about that as well. It's literally like handing over my heart. And when you hand over your heart you have to use wisdom in who you hand it over to. Does that make sense?

For those of you that wanted to come on Thursday night and could not, and have since asked if I would be willing to share it with them, the answer is absolutely yes. I would be happy to meet with you and share it. Please don't misread my heart on this one. I am not hiding my testimony. I will gladly share it with any of you who asks.

I am so very much looking forward to what the Lord is going to do over the next 10 weeks. I know it's going to be huge. I am so very honored to get to be part of the great work He is going to do. I truly do love the Lord with all of my heart, my mind and my soul. And I love each of the amazing people He so graciously has placed in my life. Please know that I find each of you to be amazing, incredible and inspiring. I am so thankful for all of the encouragement you've given me and each of the prayers you've sent up for me. Some of you have given me a bit of a hard time for not shedding tears in sharing some of the greatest hurts in my life. If you want to see emotion from me, it's when I think about all The Lord has done in my life that brings me to tears. It's when I look at the faces of my amazing sons and incredible husband that I am often overwhelmed. When I consider for even a moment all the grace He has poured out upon me and mercy He shows me each and every day.... it's then I am never at a loss for tears.